1. If you are not in possession of large (or at least relatively large) breasts, you will never be as popular or well-liked as the girls who are more generously endowed. You also think that this will somehow dissipate as time goes on, but (at least in bars) it continues to be shockingly true.
2. No matter how good you are feeling about yourself, one snide or negative comment from someone you really admire or have a crush on will ruin everything about you.
1. You own any Adam Sandler movie. Specifically 50 First Dates.
2. You drink pumpkin spice lattes.
3. You post inspirational quotes on your Facebook/Twitter.
4. You tweet: "It's 11:11. Make a wish!"
5. You Instagram photos of pretty sunsets with the caption: "i believe in rainbows, do you?"
6. You have a dog and gave it a regular person name like "Britney" or "Tom."
It’s beginning to look a whole hell of a lot like Christmas. You’re welcome, bitches. What? You think the artificial snow spray on the window displays at Macy*s are starting Santa’s sleigh? You think NPR’s eclectic mix of holiday songs effortlessly covered by independent musicians imbues you with the yuletide joy? Think again, dicks.
Fact: I am the harbinger of the holidays.
